SEMGIRL

Hi, I was just your typical 19 year old Seminary girl in South Jersey (if you don't know where I mean, you are probably on the wrong blog). We all have nisoynos, challenges, and experiences, both positive and negative. Here is where I have decided to share some of them.

Name:
Location: Lakewood, New Jersey, United States

Monday, January 29, 2007

MAZEL TOV!!!!

Since there have been so many requests in the comments and emails for a positive post, I'll give it a try. Shpitzle inspired this one.

Recently two close blog-friends got engaged. I wish them much happiness ad meah v esrim.

I'd like to pass on a few tips that I have found to be beneficial in marriage. Reb Moshe zt'l is rumored to have said that in any argument with a spouse always say I'm sorry, your right regardless of who is at fault, as fault seldomly matters. A yungerman once complained to the Steipler Zt'l. He said my house is always a chaotic mess before Shabbos, to which the Steipler answered nemt a baizim (take a broom and do something) .

Often there are numerous little spats over who left the toothpaste cover off, or didn't flush the toilet, or left laundry on the floor. I have found that usually , it isn't about these trivial little matters at all. Its really about about the lack of intimacy.


These are my thoughts on the subject. I know many of you will disagree adamantly and, hey, you are entitled to do so.

No amount of sex after a major fight will make things right again, just like a whole can of deodorant wont help if you haven't bathed in a week. You need to work things out and talk things over, just like you to need to vigorously scrub a pot clean, and not merely dump a lot of spices in it.

Victorias Secret is nice, but it is not a substitute for sincere love, affection, or closeness. Never compare what is going on in your bedroom with those of your friends, because often other ladies like to fantasize and exaggerate. Even when they are 100% truthful, what they don't tell you is that the dynamics of their relationship is dramatically different then your own. That makes all the difference in the world. So it is usually better to be content with what makes you both happy, as opposed to what you think yenna is getting and your not. Yenna may not be getting it after all, and even if he or she is you probably wouldn't want to pay the price they are.

My parents made it a point to never go to bed angry and all end phone calls with I love you.

HaKodosh Boroch Hu in his infinite kindness gave us marital relations as a means to get closer to our spouse through making love, not getting off. Thus intimacy should preferably take place when you are both in the mood. Anything else is just prostitution or rape.

How often we go to great lengths to do a chesed for a fellow yeed we don't even know, yet refuse to extend the most basic courtesy or tolerance to our spouse. As beautiful as the first case is, the second is far more important. For example, if your husband likes collecting old magazines or junk and it drives you insane, if you just go along with it, that is the true test of chesed. So much more so than how many cakes you bake for a Sheva Brochas.

Of course, R Yisroel Salanter once said that every rule has a Yotzeh Min HaClall and this statement itself has a Yoitzeh Min HaClall..

In conclusion I would like to confer a brocha on my two friends that they be zocheh to build a Bayis Neeman B'Yisroel, and fulfill Sameeach Tsamach Reyim Ahuvim K Samechacha MKedem in the fullest sense possible..

24 Comments:

Blogger Lakewood Venter said...

"No amount of sex after a major fight will make things right again"

I disagree!! Make-up sex is awesome!! and it works most of the time!!!

1/29/2007 5:24 PM  
Blogger JewishBiFemme said...

LOL @ Lakevent!

Fantastic post!

I agree with lakevent but if the only way you get laid is through make up sex then I pity that marriage.

Sometimes communicating is more important then having sex cause that wont make the problem go away.

Sem, Boys will be boys and we ladies need to tolerate them leaving the toilet seat up & not make an issue of it. We hardly fight cause I learned to tolerate his manly behavior. Boy im lucky he never leaves the laundry on the floor. Why don't you buy those connected covered toothpaste? problem solved...if you let little things like these get to you. You will want a divorce by the time you deal with bigger issues..

Mazel Tov to your friends!!

1/29/2007 5:57 PM  
Blogger almost_frei said...

Great Post, Mazel tov to the callas!

re. JBF's comment that 'boys will be boys', it also helps if men (or boys as you call them,) consider the fact that they married ladies, who need attention, caring and help.

Boys want to be married to their mothers... Men marry women! and treat then as such.

1/29/2007 6:54 PM  
Blogger yeshivaguy said...

"Reb Moshe zt'l is rumored to have said that in any argument with a spouse always say I'm sorry, your right regardless of who is at fault,"

Sure, but all you need is one partner to follow that advice. I delegate that job to my wife.

"Anything else is just prostitution or rape."

That's just crazy. There are lots of things each of us does for our partner even though we're not in the mood. There's no reason sex can't be one of them. Besides, there are halachic requirements re. sex. Withholding marital relations (whether in the mood or not) is grounds for divorce in halachah.

And talking things out, while often necessary, is way overrated.

1/29/2007 7:08 PM  
Blogger Semgirl said...

LV.....Sorry, my friend but Im going to have to agree with JBF here.

JBF...Excellent comment, however I only cited three examples. Every marriage has lil annoyances. But, yeah sure dont sweat the small stuff..

AF...Your right on the money.Men need to realize that women need help and attention..


YG..If you are joking I'll laugh with you, If you are serious I'll ignore you. looks like someone has been skipping Mussar Seder too much..

1/29/2007 9:34 PM  
Blogger Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Wow, wow, wow! I cannot feel more honored to have been a contributing factor to this post. I really appreciate the message you are sending to these young boys and girls.

There's a lot in the package of a marriage that the young couple doesn't expect. Fine, they'll tolerate the toilet seat and pick the socks up. They're prepared for that. But to learn to communicate frustration, to change things about one's partner, that's very tricky.

And talking things out is not overrated in my opinion. A couple that has established good communication is on the right path. There’s a twisted opinion that for a marriage to survive you have to swallow fireballs. I don’t agree. You don’t have to live with crap just so your marriage goes on. The relationship is what’ s important here.

Thanks, s-girl!

1/30/2007 12:04 AM  
Blogger yeshivaguy said...

Joking? Only the first line; the rest is meant seriously.

And the "skipping mussar seder" line - which was not that funny the first 50 or so times - has by now grown very, very old.

1/30/2007 1:02 AM  
Blogger jewish philosopher said...

Who wants to have sex with someone they're mad at? I guess I'm missing something.

1/30/2007 9:56 AM  
Blogger Halfnutcase said...

YG, I see that you really haven't studied kitzur at all.

Check halacha 150:13

in english:

"one should not have intercourse with his wife unless she has a desire for it, but not otherwise, and certainly he is forbiden to force her..."

This is not something that you make her do when she is in the mood or not, nor do you really have a right to ask when she isn't in the mood.

and no, I don't think your interpretation of what is grounds for divorce is quite right either. Yes if the husband refuses to visit his wife and the appointed times, wether or not he is in the mood for it, with out her concent, she has the right to force him to give her a get. the reverse however is not so. He cannot compel her to accept a get because of this.

1/30/2007 12:47 PM  
Blogger Semgirl said...

Shpitz..Thanks . Im even more flattered by your comment.

1/30/2007 4:32 PM  
Blogger Elisheva said...

gosh... loads of stuff. Lots of good advice, that's clear.

I think the silly little things are overdone, like do ppl really ever fight about these things, or is it just something like to poke fun at? I don't know, but I hope no one really makes issues of the silly things.

Communication is definitely soooo important. That can't be stated enough.

I am no major person for halacha stuff, but I think that as usual, HNC, you're putting emotion before facts. It is really a bad habit and gets in the way of your other comments which are nice.

There is like a big divider between forcing someone (which is like beyond the pale, but I don't need to tell anyone that...) and doing for your spouse even when you are not in the mood. We do the world for others, can't we do a little bit for our spouse? It may not be right to demand it, but we should totally realize if he needs/wants attention and give if we can, even if we are not in the mood.

Also, I am almost sure that even I saw straight out that a wife can be divorced in halacha if she does not provide for her husband, unless she is sick or any other good reason, obviously.

I hope none of us ever come to this point....

Mazel Tov to all the Kallas!!!

Shalom

1/30/2007 5:04 PM  
Blogger exsemgirl said...

I once heard a great piece of advice for marriage:

Marriage is not 50-50 is 100-100%.

You just gotta give it your best.

Mazal tov!

1/31/2007 10:58 AM  
Blogger exsemgirl said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1/31/2007 11:15 AM  
Blogger Genevieve said...

If either spouse witholds intimacy because he or she has ANY complaints at all agaist the other, there will be no intimacy. If one is a perfectionist, expecting the other spouse to be perfect, it will never happen. Then the frustrated partner has to find other ways to work out that pent-up frustration.

1/31/2007 4:46 PM  
Blogger nuch a chosid said...

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL POST!!!

here are a few points i wish to share on this

1) Getting all this great advice reminded me a cute story

A guy once poured his heart out to a friend that he has no sholem bayis, and they are constantly fighting, their talking was interrupted by a phone call to his friend from his wife, and he overheard their conversation, something like

fiend: yes honey,
- - - - -
oh i too can't wait to be home
- - - - - -
sure will do anything u desire
- - - - - -
miss you too
- - - - - -
love you baby, bye

and he gasps, so this is the secret? ok i got it. he thanks his friend and runs home, storms in, and walks right over to his wife, hugs her, he looks on her, and says I love you, i am sorry.

she shrugs him away, and continues her phone conversation with her friend

...... now to add to all my troubles, my husband just came home drunkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk...!!!

*

2) Yup, like the famous question goes

"What are the 3 most important words that matter most in a marriage?"

huh?!

is it "I LOVE YOU?!"

NO!!!

it is "I AM SORRY!!!"

3) make up sex, isn't while u r still mad, it's during the ritual of making up.


4) Any amount of advice will never br enuff. but

a) doing lotf of tefila,

b) using your comment sense "abisele seichel"

c) giving in.. saying i am sorry

will get u through a lot
im yirzeh hashem!

5) mazel to to all kallahs, and to the past choson-kalahs now fighting husband-wives too, u can make a new start, u can start all over again...


6) p.s. when first reading this post, I was afraid i am on the wrong blog...!!
AZ DU KENST YOH..... farvoos shreibstu nusht mer azoi vee doos.

2/01/2007 5:22 PM  
Blogger Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Really amazing advice here. I guess we should open the Kallah Blog, supplemental program for Kallah Classes. Together we can teach these kids a thing or two...

2/01/2007 9:07 PM  
Blogger Semgirl said...

You know it Shpitz... Have a wonderful Shabbos..

2/01/2007 9:24 PM  
Blogger Independent Frum Thinker said...

Rav Chaim Volozhiner said that a person’s Chesed level will be judged by how he treated his wife, not how he treated others. True Chesed is with one’s spouse.

2/02/2007 4:10 PM  
Blogger FemaleJewishBlogger said...

Hey, I have been reading your blog, and I like your attitude. It's great. I am asking female Jewish bloggers to check out this post
(http://jewishphilosopher.blogspot.com/2007/01/kefirah-clowns.html) on Jewish Philosopher's site. He has some interesting stuff to say, but it seems that if he's trying to bring wayward Jews back, that this sort of (basically sexist) opinion will only chase thinking minded people away. Check it out, it would be cool to either comment on his site, as well on my site http://myjewishblog.blogspot.com) with the same blog comment available for commentary.

2/04/2007 1:16 PM  
Blogger FemaleJewishBlogger said...

Hey, I have been reading your blog, and I like your attitude. It's great. I am asking female Jewish bloggers to check out this post
(http://jewishphilosopher.blogspot.com/2007/01/kefirah-clowns.html) on Jewish Philosopher's site. He has some interesting stuff to say, but it seems that if he's trying to bring wayward Jews back, that this sort of (basically sexist) opinion will only chase thinking minded people away. Check it out, it would be cool to either comment on his site, as well on my site http://myjewishblog.blogspot.com) with the same blog comment available for commentary.

2/04/2007 1:17 PM  
Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

Hey good tips...and I certainly can vouch for some of them..
While I'm no slouch..anywhere else in marriage youll be much happier..just saying that shes right no matter what...
as for sex..theres no way its happening if theres even a semplence of animosity between us...

2/05/2007 1:21 PM  
Blogger nuch a chosid said...

IFT, do know the saying
charity BEGINS at home
but it doesn't END there

2/05/2007 2:39 PM  
Blogger Lvnsm27 said...

Excellent message. Communication is deffinately very important inorder to understand each other and solve problems

2/15/2007 12:51 AM  
Blogger frumbabe said...

keep on rocking! what happened to playchossid for the husbands who are sex s t a r v e d ? !

2/20/2007 8:09 PM  

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