Feelings
I have been going thru many emotions this last week or so. From total denial, to shock and horror, to outrage, to nausea, to fear, to abject despondence and grief . After discussing this with many friends and a professional counselor, and weighing the pros and cons of writing about this, I decided that I need to write something for mental catharsis, and assuage the pain that comes from bottling up all the feelings inside.
If my dear friend, or her family is reading this, know that you are in my prayers, that Hashem should give you the strength to get past this , and go on to have a wonderful life. The entire community feels your pain and wishes you the best. It is my solemn wish that this should be a Kappora before the Ribono Shel Olam , instead of anything worse to your family, community, or Klal Yisroel. I hope this isn’t inappropriate on my part, in any way. I beg you for Mehila if it is.
This organization is wonderful in such matters and can be very helpful in getting thru the long-term path back to normalcy, health, and well-being.
Although the idea of Shomrim and greater awareness in general is positive, I feel it would be very beneficial, as well as, an unfortunate need for all Bais Yaacov schools to offer courses in basic self-defense. These can incorporated into a health/exercise program that would serve a double purpose of helping the girls trying to maintain a certain weight and get exercise, in addition to learning self-defense techniques that will help us all feel secure.
If my dear friend, or her family is reading this, know that you are in my prayers, that Hashem should give you the strength to get past this , and go on to have a wonderful life. The entire community feels your pain and wishes you the best. It is my solemn wish that this should be a Kappora before the Ribono Shel Olam , instead of anything worse to your family, community, or Klal Yisroel. I hope this isn’t inappropriate on my part, in any way. I beg you for Mehila if it is.
This organization is wonderful in such matters and can be very helpful in getting thru the long-term path back to normalcy, health, and well-being.
Although the idea of Shomrim and greater awareness in general is positive, I feel it would be very beneficial, as well as, an unfortunate need for all Bais Yaacov schools to offer courses in basic self-defense. These can incorporated into a health/exercise program that would serve a double purpose of helping the girls trying to maintain a certain weight and get exercise, in addition to learning self-defense techniques that will help us all feel secure.
posted by SemGirl | Monday, May 15, 2006
31 Comments:
I totally agree. Unfortunately, many schools are in fantasyland when it comes to this kind of stuff. They want to keep kids "sheltered" from such horrible things. Heck, even the Yated barely mentioned it! As the sole source of news for many heimishe families, it's a dereliction of duty on Liphschitz's part. Terrible job there.
Unfortunately, these incidents might be the wake-up call for schools enacted sensible programs such as you have suggested.
As far as the girl, it would be best if people would shut up and just stop making her the object of everyone's pity, blogs, and yenting.
Thinkingjew, I couln't have said it better myself
Hoezentragerin: I love and respect you very much. I think you already know that. But I spoke to many ppl as well as, a highly esteemed professional counselor and therapist, and was strongly encouraged to write this for the benefit of the tzibur as well as my own mental well being, if I dont mention any names.
You are welcome to email me your credentials, or we will have to agree to disagree.
B'ez H, I will answer everyone else later.
I was with you until the part about maintaining a certain weight. stress exercise and health and stop making the overweight girls more self-conscience than they already are.
I have been blessed with children of both varieties (fat and skinny) and we are forever encouraging the overweight (one boy, one girl) to eat right and exercise but always because they will be healthier never because they will be thinner.
SG- I will not post my comment here, rather I will email it to you privately. I think you know the jist of what i will say to you, especially after the "kind" words you emailed me after I posted (and subsequently deleted- my post about this most unfortunate event!
Southernyid...you mis-understood what I said. As a someone who isnt exactly a 2 or 4 either, and struggled with my wt my whole life, I merely meant that if a girl already is actively looking to exercise and maintain her wt of her own accord, this would be a good activity for her, in addition to protecting and keeping her safe.
Semgirl, I happen to be a mental health professional myself, but putting yourself into your friends shoes brings more insight than any credentials do.
Sorry for sounding harsh here, but who gives a damn about your feelings?
Since when was this tragedy about you?
Am I just a very uncaring vicious individual if I chose to focus on the victim's emotional health way more than I care about yours?
Think about for a minute semgirl, would you appreciate a bunch of guys gathering together in your "support" and discussing the hows whats whys and wheres regarding your heinous violation?
Will any of these wonderful supportive guys date her now?
Like TJ said, yenting about the tragedy wont help her situation to say the least.
The community wants to promote personal safety issues?
Of course, they should do that.
But not by making this poor victim their poster child.
thinkingjew said it best.Everyone calm down.
This is a very interesting post. I would just like to mention that it generally isn't very easy for a woman to defend herself against a man. Men have on the average much greater upper body strength than women. They have longer arms too. That's why women don't compete against men in sports.
The only type of self defence that really makes sense for a woman is a handgun. Alternatively, a large dog may be effective. Fist fighting will very likely make the attacker only more angry. I wouldn't really advise it.
"These can incorporated into a health/exercise program that would serve a double purpose of helping the girls trying to maintain a certain weight and get exercise, in addition to learning self-defense techniques that will help us all feel secure."
What a brilliant response to this tragedy: a weight-loss program! That earns you a ten for creativity, but a zero for relevance. Ridiculous.
Those who would like some facts about whether it's a good idea for women to learn to fight off an attacker can click on this link:
http://www.snopes.com/crime/prevent/ninetips.asp
i strongly agree with semgirl's response. educating young women both intellectually on how to deal with this type of situation as well as giving them the physical education they need that will, at the very least, help them to have more self-confidence, if not actually prevent an attack from occuring, is an excellent idea. as a bt, i've met a few women who've managed to stave off attackers (not in the frum world)based on the use of both physical means as well as intellectual reasoning. while this unfortunately cannot work out positively in every situation, it is important for young women to at least feel that they are in control. only education and discussion of the situation can give them that feeling of control. if this is ignored by the community and not addressed, you bet it will happen again.
semgirl's post is not exploiting nor exacerbating the situation. she is holding a discussion that needs to be held, not silenced.
silence can be deadly.
semgirl, i applaud you for putting this up.
"that will, at the very least, help them to have more self-confidence, if not actually prevent an attack from occuring"
Maybe what's needed is less self-confidence rather than more, so that a girl will be more careful and thus less likely to enter a potentially dangerous situation.
TB and Limey:
I could not agree with you more.
Hoezen:
You are right about not using her as the poster-girl. However, unfortunately, often it is just such a tragedy that creates a cause-celebre and launches a revolution.
Witness the creation of Mothers against Drunk Drivers, and tougher DWI laws in the fifty states.
Or the disappearance and brutally, savage murder of Adam Walsh, that was the catalyst for John Walsh to start an entire movement and the Code Adam system.
As well as many other movements that were brought about by major catastrophes. Hoezen, and others, wake up and smell the coffee, you are not living in some Eastern European Shtetl anymore. The bury your head and ignore it, and it will go away approach does far more harm than good.
EC…I still havent received your email, I will answer anything you want, when I do.
TJ…very very small minded. I was strongly encouraged to write this, WITHOUT mentioning any names or details, by some very educated, experienced professionals. It is unfortunate but your attitude, can put other innocent girls in jeopardy. If I can prevent this from happening again to just one girl, it is definitely worth it. My heart goes out to the girl and her family, but respectfully, I have to stand by the advice given me by the highly recognized professionals I consulted with.
JP..You are absolutely right, that is precisely, what martial arts are designed for. Or even something as simple as kicking an assailant in a very vulnerable spot.
Victimsrealfriend (with friends like you, who needs enemies) with such a defeatist attitude why bother getting out of bed in the morning.
YG…I was trying to be a lil flippant..it’s a laugh or cry situation..sorry you didn’t get the sarcasm.. But thank you very much for that excellent link..
Barb..I acknowledged that I had considerable help with this post.
Bec…Thank you…at least someone with a brain out there..You obviously didn’t go to some Bais Yacov academy for the creation of pathetic cows..
Semgirl, hope you didn't take my comment as a personal attack, because it is not. I guess we just see the issue from different perspectives.
Every situation is different of course, however I would be hesistant to advise a women to resist an attacker unless she can use overwhelming force - two 9 mm rounds would be good. Anything less than that could enrage the attacker.
As far as exercise, aerobics and especially running could be very useful.
"YG…I was trying to be a lil flippant..it’s a laugh or cry situation..sorry you didn’t get the sarcasm."
The sarcasm was all on my end. You were being earnest.
I have no worthwhile comments after reading everyone elses comments but I did read the post.
TJ and others...
All I can say is I received this email today from someone I love, adore and respect very much ... If she gives permission I will post her name or blog..
Dear SG
I did read your post, and I have to say, that I didn't find anything offensive in it. I think you were very honest about what you were feeling and why you were writing the post. I still am not sure why so many people think that these events should not be discussed. I think it's extremely important to raise people's awareness (not to scare everyone out of their minds, but to make sure people know that they need to be cautious and that these things do happen). If anything I would think that the family of the girl would want something good to come of such a horrible act, and if that means that many women are now going to be trained in self-defense and know how to take care of themselves, then I can't imagine that it would bother them to know that is the effect of such a horrible thing happening.
Your friend
xxxx
hey everyone, she just wants to help people be aware and cautious so they can protect themself if they need to.
There's an ad in Masa U'Matan this week for women's safety classes to be held in the lakewood H.S. It looks like these are classes offered by the HS for the general public. There will be women instructors. They are charging very little money; I'd guess it's being subsidized.
Will you guys take a chill? The story is not exactly a secret. All she did was post her feelings regarding it. What's so terrible about that?
One could argue that each time one of you detractors comments about how terribile it is talk about it, you too are using the incident for your own purposes - namely, to demonstrate your righteousness in not speaking of it.
Barbarian....do I detect sourgrapes
YG...thank you I couldnt of said it better.
Joey, Overind-whatever, and Jemima...
In other words, we dont agree with you, dont say it.
Nothing like respectful exchange of opinions and mature open dialogue. And here I thought thats what blogging was all about. How naive of me.
It's a terrible tragedy. I hope you are there for your friend *in the way she needs you to be* during this difficult time.
All women should learn ju jit su. So how do I get into your bloglines? I guess by writing somethinbg good. darn.
Hey sem girl,
You can't sell your brains to someone just because their 'professional'. That doesn't give you the right to do something your not sure is right as you stated yourself.
Oh please. Just give it a rest, you impossible nudniks. You just can't take no for an answer.
B'ezras H I will have a new post in a few days. This is one of those "you can't please everyone" situations. Because, for all the commenters that are stridantly against this post, I keep receiving emails and IM from long-time friends and readers since the beginning of this blog, encouraging me and saying how important it was to write this post.
For the record, that anonymous e-mail was not me. I actually like disagreed with SG, that's why I didn't comment. I e-mailed her and we I guess like agreed to disagree.
Looking forward to the next (and nicer) post!
Shalom
Semmy,
I for one know that us jews are rachmonim, bayshonim, and gomlei chasudim. You have shown your empathy towards others in the past, and I dont feel like you are being selfish to post something that you feel on YOUR blog. Those who are so vehemently opposed, I guess I can agree to disagree with you. As to the fact that it is human nature to want to yent, I believe Hashem created us this way,, but like everything else, this too shall pass and the victim will emerge stronger than ever, and move on with her life. As to us human beings yenting about this story, yesterday's news is todays old hat, and even if it takes a few more days, we all have to process what happened as well.
Self-defense against goyim does not work. The Chafetz Chaim (the one who advised people to learn his Sefer as a Segula to find a Shidduch) said; If you want to fight a fight with someone, make sure you are stronger than him and he is Frummer than you. We must make sure to teach our children and ourselves that when a Goy picks a fight with us we must run away (let him take the bicycle). The Goyishe culture says that a coward is a bad thing. We do not think that way and a coward is not necessarily bad. If we stop dealing with Goyim as our equals maybe that will be a Zechus tha tsuch things will stop happening.
i agree with cubanita...as a survivor of something like this, how would you feel? hoizen said you should try to put yourself in the girl's shoes. instead of focusing on what she did/didn't do, why don't we focus on what the other person did? this girl didn't choose what the other person did!!!! no one can "make" someone else do something, they act of their own FREE WILL!!!! and while i agree that self-defense is certainly useful, why don't we teach our boys about how to be respectful to others? teach them that women are not their possessions, that they do not have the right to use power and control over someone in any way, shape, or form. maybe then we will not have a need to be having these discussions...
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