Recently two close blog-friends got engaged. I wish them much happiness ad meah v esrim.
I'd like to pass on a few tips that I have found to be beneficial in marriage. Reb Moshe zt'l is rumored to have said that in any argument with a spouse always say I'm sorry, your right regardless of who is at fault, as fault seldomly matters. A yungerman once complained to the Steipler Zt'l. He said my house is always a chaotic mess before Shabbos, to which the Steipler answered nemt a baizim (take a broom and do something) .
Often there are numerous little spats over who left the toothpaste cover off, or didn't flush the toilet, or left laundry on the floor. I have found that usually , it isn't about these trivial little matters at all. Its really about about the lack of intimacy.
These are my thoughts on the subject. I know many of you will disagree adamantly and, hey, you are entitled to do so.
No amount of sex after a major fight will make things right again, just like a whole can of deodorant wont help if you haven't bathed in a week. You need to work things out and talk things over, just like you to need to vigorously scrub a pot clean, and not merely dump a lot of spices in it.
Victorias Secret is nice, but it is not a substitute for sincere love, affection, or closeness. Never compare what is going on in your bedroom with those of your friends, because often other ladies like to fantasize and exaggerate. Even when they are 100% truthful, what they don't tell you is that the dynamics of their relationship is dramatically different then your own. That makes all the difference in the world. So it is usually better to be content with what makes you both happy, as opposed to what you think yenna is getting and your not. Yenna may not be getting it after all, and even if he or she is you probably wouldn't want to pay the price they are.
My parents made it a point to never go to bed angry and all end phone calls with I love you.
HaKodosh Boroch Hu in his infinite kindness gave us marital relations as a means to get closer to our spouse through making love, not getting off. Thus intimacy should preferably take place when you are both in the mood. Anything else is just prostitution or rape.
How often we go to great lengths to do a chesed for a fellow yeed we don't even know, yet refuse to extend the most basic courtesy or tolerance to our spouse. As beautiful as the first case is, the second is far more important. For example, if your husband likes collecting old magazines or junk and it drives you insane, if you just go along with it, that is the true test of chesed. So much more so than how many cakes you bake for a Sheva Brochas.
Of course, R Yisroel Salanter once said that every rule has a Yotzeh Min HaClall and this statement itself has a Yoitzeh Min HaClall..
In conclusion I would like to confer a brocha on my two friends that they be zocheh to build a Bayis Neeman B'Yisroel, and fulfill Sameeach Tsamach Reyim Ahuvim K Samechacha MKedem in the fullest sense possible..